154: How To Disentangle Through Divorce In The Empty Nest 💚

154: How To Disentangle Through Divorce In The Empty Nest 💚

Hello, my amazing friend. 👋

I almost didn't publish this one.

However, it has given me a bit of closure, and if it helps one person, it is worth sharing. 💚

In this episode, I share some of my personal journey as my husband and I transition toward divorce. I also share things that have helped me - and much more. 

Coach Christine,

Your Empty Nest Coach

"My wish for you today is that you discover, or rediscover, something about yourself that you love."

Take a listen or read the full transcript at the bottom of this post.

⇓⇓⇓ More goodies below, too! Scroll down ⇓, so you don't miss anything! ⇓⇓⇓

Listen to @emptynestcoach 's 🎙podcast episode: How to disentangle through divorce in the empty nest  💚 #divorce #emptynestdivorce #life #emptynestsuccess #newepisode ▶

Tweet about this

This Episode is Brought To You By

Episode Topics & Their Minute Markers

  • 00:42 Podcast intro
  • 01:47  My wish for you today
  • 02:29 New things
  • 04:17 My Lessons Learned: divorce in the empty nest
  • 13:30 5 Things that have helped me in separation/divorce
  • 19:42 Sunk costs and final thoughts
  • 22:23 Ask Coach Christine:  Telling your parents you use new pronouns
  • 23:15  Christine, Where are You? 
  • 24:45 Find the Funny
  • 24:31 Two Questions for You
  • 26:53 Bloopers
  • 27:11 Still Listening? 

💚Send audio feedback to Coach Christine now: voicemail/text to 920-LIFEWIN (920-543-3946).

Questions for You:

  1. How do you feel about divorce - in your life and the lives of others?
  2. What area of your life do you need to take a closer look at? 

First Time Here? Try This Order of Episodes

Episode Resources

* affiliate link to SupaPass - which powers our community! Should you purchase using the link, I make a commission.

Subscribe To This Podcast

It is FREE!

Want to get notified of new episodes directly on your phone? Subscribe to this podcast using your favorite app!

The Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, Episode 154

FULL TRANSCRIPT

00:00:00

Christine: Hi, I’m Coach Christine. This is my podcast, it’s the Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, and we’re on episode #154. Tap 30 seconds ahead if this isn't your first time listening and want to skip this introduction portion. I focus on mothers who are freaking out about the empty nest ahead - we'll take you from freaking out to feeling freaking awesome. No worries, though, all are welcome here, as I’m all about coaching you to become the C.E.O. of Your Life and in my world, C.E.O. stands for Conscious Effective Olympian. You’ll do this by leveling-up

[level-up music]

your life in small increments - those small wins add up to big changes.

I appreciate that you pressed play on this episode today. Here we go…

[up beat music]

00:00:46

This podcast is my gift to you: a parent adjusting to the idea of an empty nest, or possibly a student who’s wondering how your parents are feeling about you heading out on your own. These podcast episodes will have a base of life coaching infused with reminders to cheer yourself on, and maybe with a dash of may alter-ego, Sally, the hotline video operator popping in from time to time. I’m here to remind you that you should be your own biggest fan.

00:01:15

[computer game level up music (short)]

The big (and heavy) topic for this episode is divorce - I'm opening up on how we (my husband and I) are disentangling our relationship through divorce. Is it a how to for everyone? [giggle] Probably not but it has/is becoming my husband and I's how to, and since I needed to hear from others their experience, I thought maybe someone might need to hear ours - or, mine because I certainly can't speak for my soon to be ex-husband.

If you wanna jump around in the episode, look for the time markers in the show notes.

00:01:47

[computer game level up music (short)]

My Wish for You Today

My wish for you today is that you discover, or rediscover, something about yourself that you love. You know, that thing that when you think about it, you know it is special and the corner of your mouth rises up with a grin because that part of you - or that talent - or gift of yours - is pretty freaking amazing. Give yourself permission to stop what you are doing now and think about it - or take time to discover it - and lean into it. Be proud of it. Own it. You are amazing!

00:02:29

[computer game level up music (short)]

New Things. New Things. New Things!

So many new things have happened but I'll pick two big ones in my personal life.

First, I received a TikTok video sponsorship! Helix Sleep sent me a mattress to review in exchange for a couple of videos about the mattress. I can't even begin to tell you how exciting this is for me, although, to be honest, part of me was really concerned because I'm awful at lying, so I did have a fear that I wasn't going to love the mattress. Thank goodness, it is freaking amazing - I want to go lay in it now it's so comfortable. Should you be curious, I'll put a link to my first video in my show notes. In that video I share how it is delivered in a box and also show the entire unboxing - our cat Lego supervised. If you are in the market for a mattress, I have a link for $200 off a Helix Sleep mattress and they'll send you a couple of pillows too - a link to that will be in my show notes, as well.

00:03:21

My other big new thing is that I was officially served with divorce papers, which means the 90-day countdown begins until it can be official. Such a weird thing and because of that, I thought I'd do a second episode about divorce in the empty nest, as I think it is important. I see so many things about reconnecting with your partner in the empty nest and it is fantastic if you are able to do so but for those who aren't - here is your reminder that you are not alone. That your worth is not based on your marriage. You are amazing no matter your relationship status. And you may even be happier.

In Your Empty Nest Coach-land, things that are new is that I'm actually no longer working at the grocery store which means I have a full two days off a week, again - which hasn't happened in quite some time - and that means, I've had time to do things like get back to working on our flock space, and this podcast. Yay, I'm so excited!

00:04:17

[computer game level up music (short)]

My Lessons Learned

Divorce in the Empty Nest

As mentioned earlier, I am in the process of a divorce. I wasn't the one who ultimately asked for it but I was the one who first mentioned the word divorce and gave my husband permission to consider it. Want to know why? Yeah, sometimes I do to [ha!]. But I'm going to be really real here in this episode about things that I think might help others, and also remember (in case you skipped this in the beginning) I'm sharing how we are handling it and things that have helped me. Should you be experiencing divorce or have it on your mind - always, always use your own internal GPS for guidance.

A few days after my husband's request, our discussion and quick decision to proceed with divorce, I went back and listened to episode 119 of my podcast - that one is titled 'does the empty nest cause divorce?'. Oh my goodness, it brought me so much peace. It is weird to have your past self comfort your current self. But that's what happened. So, if you are in the process of divorce or considering it - I encourage you to listen to that episode before the rest of this one. It is a really good starting point. And, honestly, I'm kind of fascinated by how helpful it was to me.

To be completely transparent with you, when you listen to that episode, you'll notice I put something out there that was big - especially in the "still listening?" portion. From where I sit now, I think that was me directly talking to myself, and, I admit to you today, that I hadn't yet done it myself. I knew I needed to at some point but man, it is freaking scary. I guess episode 119 was my way of preparing myself for the future - or where I am presently.

00:06:13

Anyway, after recording and making that episode live last year, there were some thought-deliveries that kept arriving in my mind that I couldn't quite let go of. I feel sharing this with you is important since I always talk about managing our thought-deliveries. Sometimes the ones that hang on need to be sorted and moved somewhere else, and sometimes they require deeper inspection.

The latter was the case for me.

What I'm about to share with you is not meant to make you feel bad for me, or bad for my soon to be ex-husband, or for you to take sides. Look, none of that matters in my life or his, we each have our own stories and plans to manage. I'm sharing this with you because a while ago I needed someone to share their experience with me - for me to learn and consider divorce as an option despite it being the opposite of everything I was told my whole life. It allowed me to give permission to both of us to consider it, and it allowed us both, ultimately, to be free.

So whether this episode resonates with you or not, keep it in mind in case someone you know might need it in the future.

And a final note before I proceed, I am NOT pro-divorce. I'm pro considering divorce. What feels better...knowing your partner WANTS to be with you or wondering if they do?

Something I heard a while back from someone was that they they check-in each year with their husband to see if they would choose each other again if they met today. And she was always excited that the answer was yes.

Oh, the emotions that came up for me when I first heard this. What if... what if they wouldn't? What if you have different answers? What if... What if...

00:07:54

That stayed with me for a while. Now, as you know if you've listened to me for a while, I've been cleaning up my thought-deliveries for years, and when I recorded the divorce episode I mentioned, the words of this person came back to me, and I also felt a bit horrified because if I was honest with myself, I had no proof based on recent experiences that my husband would choose me today - and I was fairly certain he wouldn't.

To be honest, I wasn't sure how I felt.

Anytime divorce did come up in topic he always said, "divorce isn't an option."

Maybe that was supposed to bring us comfort. I know he meant well. But it never brought me comfort and I really wasn't sure why until I had the courage to look deeper into my own thoughts. Which was really tough to do. Ultimately, I landed on when divorce isn't an option, then you're stuck. Does he feel stuck? Am I stuck? Are we both stuck? What if it was an option?

When you can't get out of something because you can't get out of something, what is really going on? Are you happily married to the love of your life and can't wait to grow old with them or is 'divorce not an option'. I wanted the former and I, honestly, wasn't feeling either of us were there.

While I sound pretty calm and peaceful about this, now, please know that I've done a lot of healing over the last five months. I've been sad. I've been angry. I've been overwhelmed - and you know I don't like using the word overwhelmed, but I chose it more than a few days and owned it.

Considering all of this was NOT easy.

There are a lot of reasons I've been less podcasty over the last few months and it is because I was working on myself a lot, and navigating this transition. It isn't easy. It sucks. It sucks big time and it is CRAZY scary.

00:09:45

Anyway, I'm a little all over the place, but six months or so after my Divorce in the Empty Nest episode aired, I (with the help of a margarita) I brought up the possibility of considering divorce to my husband. I don't even know what sparked it in the moment. It was my daughter's graduation weekend, we were away, and talking about the future - the two of us- and I guess I felt if I didn't say it now, I may never say it. What did I think was going to happen? Honestly, I had NO idea. I didn't actually think we'd get a divorce, to be honest.

I think I thought that we'd have a discussion, work through some things and realize that we are both overworked, exhausted and find maybe some hobbies to do together and work things out long-term. Rediscover some things missing in our relationship, and find a future together. I think I thought that was going to be the catalyst for that to happen.

Maybe that's what I thought.

But as the conversation continued, I found myself saying things like, "don't stay married to me because you have to provide for us, I'll figure things out." "don't stay married to me because divorce isn't an option, stay married to me because you love me, we have fun together and can't wait to do things together in this next part of life," and the final one, "I can't make you happy. Making you happy, isn't ultimately my job it is your job to figure out what makes you happy and if you do that better without me, you should. Life is too short." or something like that.

00:11:10

Let me tell you, it was scary. It was weird, and there wasn't a back and forth about but we don't really want that. It just was out there... that should have told me something. But I guess what was MORE scary, in the end, was living the rest of my life wondering if he really wanted to be with me. Pretty much knowing the answer but never having the courage to ask it because I was too scared.

Well, about 30 days after that margarita-filled conversation, my husband sat me down and said he wanted a divorce.

I radically accepted it in the moment. It was probably not what he expected, although he had done his research online and knew he was to be prepared to expect anything - and I have to say, that's good advice because we can't control other humans and we certainly can't pretend to know how they'll react. It was a bit shocking that he had already processed a lot of the details of it all. But, I guess, emotionally, I was prepared enough since I was the one who brought it up and allowed him to consider it.

00:12:10

Part of me was like, okay, I'm not crazy, he wasn't happy and I gave him the opportunity to be free and that felt good that I was able to do that for him - for both of us. Another part of me went into ' okay, what do we need to do mode,' - which I do that mode pretty well, [giggle] and then the last part of me was relieved - relieved that, again, I wasn't crazy. I - I felt his unhappiness around the house, and that maybe things will be more peaceful for both of us. And in the end we both deserve a relationship - should we choose to be in one in the future - that is supportive, loving and lifts us up.

ooooh kay - so there are a whole bunch of details and things that aren't really anyone's business that I'm not going to get into but all I can say is that while some things suck, and while I'm still trying to navigate a ton of things with the change, on the whole, the transition has been really good. The scariest part for me has been the financials as he's been the breadwinner since my daughter was born. Am I going to be okay? Of course. Is can be scary day to day, and that is where I work on my presence and not letting the doom possibilities to creep in. Although, as you probably know, some days that is easier than others.

I do want to share with you a handful of things that have helped me navigate the transition well.

00:13:31

  1. First, and most important, is Conscious Effective Olympian (C.E.O.) work - I have to say the work I've done over the last few years in clearing my thought-deliveries, discovering my own internal GPS, using it for guidance, in focusing on presence, and radical acceptance of what is was a the most important part of the, so far, fairly successful navigation of this transition.

There was a lot in what I just said, so feel free to listen to that again.

  1. Second: Therapy - I got a therapist! Someone who doesn't know me. Doesn't know my husband. Doesn't know my friends and family. And having that safe space to hear myself talk and process and remind me that I'm powerful and amazing and that things that I have been labeling one way might actually be something else - this has all been incredibly helpful. I recommend it to everyone - and as a coach, of course I do. Seriously, though, whether it is a coach or therapist - if you are navigating all of this, I hope you have a safe space to process things. If you can't afford it, try my next thing which I did a ton before I started therapy.
  2. And that's number three: Nature, nature and more nature. Just get out in Nature. A lot. As much as you can. It was my lifeline. I'm sorry if this is a bit too woo for you but I really feel a person's energy and the energy in our household wasn't great over the last year or so. I don't always know where energy that drains me comes from, but I feel it and it impacts me. And I need to escape the energy drain to ground myself. Getting out in nature does that for me. I walked sooo much just after we moved here and before my husband and I had our final discussion... and if you have been listening or following me on the socials for a while, I've been sharing my nature walks with you. I can't say enough about getting outside and experiencing it all with all of your available senses. Combine that with a piece of paper and pencil or journal to process what comes up while you're outside and you may gain insights that surprise you - I know I did! I actually keep a pen and piece of paper in my walking vest.
  3. Number four: move things. Physically move things. This is for those of you who are staying in the house that you lived in together with your partner. If you have a spare room, maybe consider moving into that one, or change your furniture layout completely, and don't be afraid to move things around the house to make it feel like it's different - or new - or just yours. This is boots-on-the-ground tactical help that I found by accident, and it helped me separate myself from the relationship while still living where the relationship existed. My daughter and I started with the living room and decorated it in a fun bug theme (really cute bugs) and then we added things that make us happy and smile - that are ours. We did it on a budget - and used Facebook marketplace and Goodwill for much of it.

00:16:44

And one of the best things I've done - I kind of wish I did it sooner is that my daughter and I switched bedrooms. It really isn't easy living where you lived with your partner (and we weren't even in this space together long) but with all [of] their things, the way furniture was setup and more, it makes it difficult to move past things on the daily when there are constant reminders. I certainly don't want to negate our history together and our marriage, but I prefer to have moments where I choose to have the reminders rather than having them forced upon me minute upon minute upon hour upon day - well, you get the idea.

ANYWAY, giving my daughter the master bedroom with on-suite bathroom may seem wild to some people and while we did it initially because her room is warm, mine was cold and we both would prefer heat-wise to be in opposite rooms, the switch made sense us. But, ultimately, the change has been so good for me, mentally. It is fully my space. It's cozy. I got a new mattress - thanks again, Helix, got new bedding and am really making it my own.

My husband is in his new space- and I feel like I have my new cozy space here. I love it and it has been one of the best things for my mental health. I feel like I have a new home without having a new home, if that makes sense. Do you have to do this? Of course not but I would definitely consider something like this if you are having trouble living in the space you were in with your partner and can't move.

One day I'll get to the boxes and photos and all that - one day.

00:18:15

  1. My final tip for this transition is YNAB - I can't praise YNAB enough. I remember a friend telling me about YNAB - it stands for You Need a Budget - years ago she told me and I have had it on my radar for this entire time. Hubby wasn't sold on it when I mentioned it a while back, so, literally days after the divorce discussion I purchased my YNAB subscription.

How funny is that?

And within another day, I had gone through all of my finances, decided how much I was going to have to earmark to live off of while we transitioned all the things over the next few months. This has been life-changing for me. I could honestly talk about YNAB for three full episodes but I'll spare you. [giggle] YNAB if you ever listen and want to talk sponsorship, I'm a HUGE fan - consider me!

Anyway, and if you, my listener, have never heard of YNAB, You Need a Budget, please check it out - divorce, married, single, whatever your status - my ADHD brain loves it so much and I even gifted a subscription to my daughter who already has enjoyed the value of it.

Seriously, finances are a HUGE thing with a divorce - I mean, I guess if you have millions, maybe not, but, yeah, umm, if you can't tell...that isn't me. [giggle] Just in case you had any remaining doubt. [giggle]

00:19:42

[music interlude]

Wow, this was a lot. Long story short, life is too short to be in a relationship that doesn't serve you, or your partner well. Sunk costs are that - sunk - we can't get them back: time in a relationship, energy we put in, money spent, decisions made. We can't change that and when we use those to keep us trapped forward we are - trapped. There is a great (under 5 minute) video that explains sunk costs that I'll link it in the show notes - in case you need a refresher and to hear it explained well from someone else about multiple things.

A great way to proceed forward without focusing on the sunk costs is to imagine yourself being dropped into your life, right where you are now - without all of the invested time, money and energy - would you fight being dropped into your life where you are now, and if so, why? What is scary about it? What would you change? What is stopping you from changing it right now? or would you happily be dropped in and be ready to stay forever?

Honestly, it can be tough to consider this and it takes bravery for most of us.

Where am I now with it all? Well, after our initial divorce discussion, both of us went back and forth at some point on do we want to try this - nah, we don't - well, maybe... do we we did even a brief 'let's date period' too but in the end - the answer was no.

Where we are now is a fairly amicable divorce. Sure, there are things I miss, and there are a lot of things I really don't miss. Right now, my home is happy. There is laughter. I can be myself all of the time now, and I like myself. I am pretty freaking cool, but I'm also a lot for some people. And if that means I need to be alone, or with someone else who can handle my a lot-ness, I'm okay with that. I'm proud of who I am. Faults and all. And I certainly have faults, we all do. But I do love to learn, I love to level-up my life and myself, I love to laugh, I don't take life too seriously and I wanna to be at the end of my life knowing I lived it fully.

So where I am now is peaceful, excited to see what is ahead for me - that includes the tough moments as well as the beautiful moments.

And as for divorce, it is something I've experienced. It is not who I am, so I while I'm not going to hide it but I also am not going to rehash it over and over because, my friend, I have enjoying the journey and living life at the top of my to do list and that means moving forward.

00:22:23

[music]

Ask Coach Christine - N/A

This episode is going to be longer so I'm gonna cut a couple of segments, but I was recently asked on TikTok, "Do you have any advice for telling my parents that I use they/them pronouns now? I know it's a big change in how they'll see me."

I actually did two video responses for this one and I'll link both in my show notes.

The first one was congratulating the person asking for discovering who they are, finding pronouns that resonate with them, and having the courage to use the new pronouns, and I'm excited for them. My wish and hope is that their parents hold space for them, and are able to listen in a loving manner when they are told.

The second video was a hotline video for parents, and managed to fit my response into a one minute video - it's always fun when my alter ego, Sally, is able to jump in.

I hope these help and that the conversation goes well!

00:23:15

[quirky music under segment]

Christine? Christine? Christine, where are you?

You can find me on two recent podcast interviews and I have two more scheduled this week!

First up is episode 8 of The Pursuit of Evolution podcast hosted by TEDx speaker and resilience educator, Casey Jourdan. Casey and I chat about my daughter heading off to college early, the power of radical acceptance, I talk a bit about my marriage separation and what life is like now with my daughter back home. And I love what Casey shares about her return home from her time in the military at a young age, as well as how her relationship with her mother changed after her parents' divorce.

Next up is episode 82 of the Mama Mindset podcast hosted by Amy Cothren, another incredible woman. Amy's a stay at home mom to three girls. Amy's crushing podcasting and giving so much of herself to lift up other stay at home mothers. She wanted to know how to prepare for the empty nest when our kids are young. We talk about homeschooling my daughter, how I entered the empty nest, steps to take at any point in parenting to prepare (or try to prepare) for the empty nest years, dealing with our parents' empty nesting, and Amy's red tape - that is worth the listen! And wow, can Amy assemble great promo materials for her guests - seriously, she tagged me in some amazing videos - thank you, Amy!

00:24:45

Let’s find the funny!

[giggles from others]

If you know me at all, you know I love to laugh. Humor is therapy for me and yes, while, I'm related to one of the co-hosts, wow, the Wonka Watch podcast has me laughing out loud in every episode at least once or twice if not a ton more. And the funny part is I've usually heard most of it before it's live - yet it continues to make me laugh. So, if you don't mind raw humor with cursing, and want to listen to two of the most creative and the funniest humans I know talk about Willy Wonka - check it out.

00:24:31

Two Questions for You

Question 1:  How do you feel about divorce - in your life and in the lives of others?

and Question 2:  What area of your life do you need to take a closer look at?

Wrap-up

As always, I provide content to make you think, my empty nest friend.

My HOPE is that I’m able to provide you with thoughts that positively impact your life.

If you enjoy this episode please don’t forget to share it with others, it’s the best way to allow it to reach a wider audience. And of course, follow the show in your favorite podcast player!

As always, you'll find a ton of information, resources and more on my website: YourEmptyNestCoach.com. A special thanks to SupaPass, my current employer and what powers our GPS Support Flock Community - you can join today while I prepare for it's official launch in 2022!

I’ll be back with a new episode in a couple of weeks or so - it will be another affirmation episode, like my last one. I haven't yet decided on the topic, so let me know if you have a request.

My beautiful friend, life likes to keep us guessing, doesn't it? Enjoying the journey - filling your life with peace is possible even when life throws you a curveball or two - or ten. You can handle it all I have absolutely no doubt! Don't forget it, and as always, never forget that you are amazing.

Chat next time!

[end music]

[00:26:53]

[bloopers]

00:27:11

Are you still listening?

Take a deep breath in, my friend. Let the air out. Take another deep breath in and as you breathe in imagine positive energy, good thought-deliveries and peace filling you from head to toe. Imagine they push aside negative thoughts and energy and force them to escape with your next breath out. Repeat this as necessary.

[end music]

[end]

151: College Students Missing Home and It is Time to Shine 💚

Empty Nest Coach Christine is seated with podcast cover art announcing episode 151

151: College Students Missing Home & It Is Time to Shine 💚

Hello, my amazing friend. Thanks for stopping by!

This month's episode includes updates on my life - whoa it has been interesting, a new analogy, and much more - all the details and locations in the episode are below. 

Coach Christine,

Your Empty Nest Coach

"Always take deep breaths - for your own sake. Process through your emotions of their (your child's) homesickness. What are you making it mean?"

Take a listen or read the full transcript at the bottom of this post.

⇓⇓⇓ More goodies below, too! Scroll down ⇓, so you don't miss anything! ⇓⇓⇓

Listen to @emptynestcoach 's podcast episode: College students Missing Home and It is Time to Shine 💚  #collegeparents #emptynestsuccess #newepisode ▶

Click to Tweet

This Episode is Brought To You By

Episode Topics & Their Minute Markers

  • 01:05 Quick Reminders
  • 02:14 My Wish for You Today
  • 02:44 New Things (personal)
  • 09:55 New Things (Your Empty Nest Coach)
  • 11:53 My Lessons Learned - It is Time to Shine
  • 16:12 Ask Coach Christine: My Emerging Adult is Missing Home
  • 18:41 Christine, Where are You? 
  • 19:37 Celebrating You and Your Wins
  • 22:05 What's in Your C.E.O. of Your Life Toolbox?
  • 23:24 Find the Funny 
  • 24:03 What I Wish My Parents Knew
  • 24:31 Two Questions for You
  • 25:53 Bloopers
  • 26:02 Still Listening?

💚Send audio feedback to Coach Christine now: voicemail/text to 920-LIFEWIN (920-543-3946).

Questions for You:

  1. Is anyone in your life missing home?
  2. How bright are you shining your light into the world? 

First Time Here? Try This Order of Episodes

Episode Resources

* affiliate link to SupaPass - which powers our community! Should you purchase using the link, I make a commission.

Subscribe To This Podcast

It is FREE!

Want to get notified of new episodes directly on your phone? Subscribe to this podcast using your favorite app!

The Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, Episode 151

FULL TRANSCRIPT

00:00:00

Christine: Hi, I’m Coach Christine. This is my podcast, it’s the Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, and we’re on episode #151. I’m here to help mothers who are freaking out about the empty nest ahead as I guide them to feeling freaking awesome. I’m all about coaching you to become the C.E.O. of Your Life and in my world, C.E.O. stands for Conscious Effective Olympian. You’ll do this by leveling-up 

[level-up music]

your life in small increments - those small wins add up to big changes.

I appreciate that you pressed play on this episode today. Here we go…

[up beat music]

00:00:37

This podcast is my gift to you: a parent adjusting to the idea of an empty nest, or possibly a student who’s wondering how your parents are feeling about you heading out on your own. These podcast episodes will have a base of life coaching infused with reminders to cheer yourself on, and maybe with a dash of may alter-ego, Sally, the hotline video operator popping in from time to time. I’m here to remind you that you should be your own biggest fan.

00:1:05

Some quick reminders: You’ll find a ton of information, resources and more on my website: YourEmptyNestCoach.com. If you enjoy this podcast, don’t forget to follow it in your favorite podcast player. That way you’ll be notified when my next episode is released. A special thanks to our fabulous sponsor - SupaPass, who now powers our GPS Support Flock Community - more on that, later in this episode!

00:01:31

[computer game level up music (short)]  

Some other big topics you’ll find in this episode is a quick run down of the big changes that I have experienced in my life in the last three months - and, oh my goodness, it has not been a calm ride, that is for sure! [giggle] But, if you remember, one of my things to focus on this year has been to enjoy the journey - and I’m happy to report that despite a few needed emotional bumps, the journey IS being enjoyed. Of course, I also have a new analogy for you today and this one has to do with vehicle headlights; yay - we have some wins to celebrate; we’ll talk about what is in our C.E.O. toolbox, finding the funny and more! 

If you wanna jump around in the episode, look for the time markers in the show notes.

00:02:14

[computer game level up music (short)] 

My Wish for You Today 

My wish for you today is that you may be present: where you are right now and through most moments of your day. Presence has the power to remove drama from your life and can you imagine your life with less drama and more time? I can tell you - it is freeing. I wish that you gain a bit more presence than yesterday and continue to work on it throughout the month ahead, my amazing empty nest friend!

00:02:44

[computer game level up music (short)] 

New Things. New Things. New Things!

Well, I had a summer hiatus: this was the first ever (for me) in my podcasting career. I was nervous to take the podcasting break but I knew it was needed, and with all of the things that happened, I’m glad I did!

What happened? Where do I even start? Goodness gracious. Well, back when I recorded my last episode, in May, my husband and I had just moved, I was about to turn 50 and our daughter was about to graduate from college. 

The move was successful.

I did turn 50. 

Our daughter graduated from college and that was a BIG deal.

 A side note: when my husband and I supported her attending college early - I can’t say we had a ton of support from the outside world during her consideration and then first couple of years of attendance at the college. I remember when she started, it did feel like those four years of out of state college were going to be a lifetime. 

Well, they weren’t a lifetime after all - and the pandemic even added some extra “fun”  in there, didn’t it? 

00:03:49

Our daughter returned home in May, and she wasn’t sure what the next year was going to look like since the funds just weren’t available for her to attend the grad schools that she was accepted into. And this meant for a rough adjustment for her being back home with no plans for the future. And we all know how the pandemic helps with this, right? It was a fairly rough start to her summer - especially with my next piece of news that I’m going to share but - no worries - as of now she is thriving and that makes my heart incredibly happy. What else can you ask for as a parent?

This takes us to about June. Well, June happens: I turned 50 and 15 days later, my husband asks for a divorce. 

Look, I’ll be honest, my mind had floated the idea of a divorce in our future, so it wasn’t a complete shock but the timing really caught me off guard - our daughter was about to turn 18 a few weeks later, I barely felt settled from the move, her return home, my new commute and so much more. I will be sharing more about what the divorce and what its meant in my life, how I’m doing with it and how it came about - in an upcoming episode, however, I’m doing my best to live in the present moment each day which means, I don’t exactly want to spend too much time thinking about it today.

I’ve been working really hard on following the things that I share in this podcast: watching my thoughts, keeping my thoughts, making sure that the thoughts I choose and the memories that I live in are ones that will move me forward in a positive way.

00:05:18

All that being said,  please know that I’m doing incredibly well and my daughter is thriving too. All this Conscious Effective Olympian (or C.E.O.) of Your Life stuff that I talk about really works. More than once I’ve created an episode and then the universe decides to say, “Oh yeah, Christine, let’s see how you do with this….” [giggle]

The good news is that the thought-work has been a life-saver for me over the last few years, and this was just one more place to use it all again. 

Now at home, my daughter and I are having a blast living together right now - we are a bit more like roommates due to her life stage which makes it super fun, and since I am well aware that I’ll be re-entering the empty nest sometime in the future, I’m fiercely enjoying her time here. 

With all of these things I just mentioned from my summer, I figured why not throw one more big change - or ingredient into my stew - let’s simmer it out after all. Yes, that’s a reference to a prior episode - see my show notes.

00:06:18

I feel your energy: “Christine, what happened next?” 

I did it. I resigned from my job at the college. Why? Because I was looking at heading back into the office five days a week and I no longer had an eleven minute walk to work - I had a 40-minute commute each way - and that was time taken from things I enjoy in life - like podcasting - and well - basically everything I enjoy in life. Also, due to my daughter’s unique education, she doesn’t have her own car and she’s still working on being a confident driver - it made no sense to have her stranded at home at this time.

I ran budget numbers over and over, and over, and over again. I finally bought this piece of software that I’ve wanted for years and it helped me [sings] so much. I’ll talk about that in another episode. 

But, ultimately, I knew I would regret not being here for my daughter at this time, and I’d get my time back to work on my passion projects. 

The one thing that was clear to me is that if I didn’t change my job, me (Coach Christine) would continue to have no time for bottom of the toolbox items and barely any time for even the top-of my life’s toolbox items. That’s not healthy. So, yes, I resigned. 

It was bold and a bit crazy but it has made the other transitions my life is experiencing flow smoother than they would have had I stayed in that position. I now work VERY part-time at our local Lidl store - because it has me not at a computer, super active and at the end of my shift I get to do my grocery shopping. Oh, and part-time employees at Lidl get medical benefits. In case  mm - you might find yourself in a similar situation and need to think about that. I had to think about it with the pending divorce and leaving my job. Yes, I am totally covering all my bases here. It’s also a little fun being at a job that is totally different from the work that I normally do and that is extremely active. 

00:08:15

I use the Pacer app to track how far I walk, and a low activity shift, at Lidle, my pacer app tells me I manage the equivalent of almost 4 miles - a high activity shift is a heck of a lot more! It’s a job that also allows me to work on my presence - which is an added bonus. 

Can you believe it? This takes me  -mm - to about July of this summer, which, that month did include celebrating my daughter’s 18th birthday - and she chose to get a tattoo! She designed it herself and included my handwriting on it. She felt so good about signing her own waiver - it is an odd thing to be on a college campus but need your parent’s permission to go on a trip. 

It makes my heart happy how excited she was about this - and since then she’s been totally on top of her own medical appointments which is incredibly rewarding as a parent. 

So, this brings me to August and you would think that that would be enough for one summer. But no, we aren’t done. The universe helped me out a bit on this one and I was offered an amazing job opportunity but it’s so new, I’ll share more about that in my next episode - it, honestly, feels too good to be true at the moment. 

I had a realization recently that a little over three years ago, I wrote down some things I wanted for future Christine and many of those have become a reality - I’ll share about those in the next episode as well so this one isn’t three hours long.

I’m sure there are many other things to share but with all of these big ones, I’ll just stop there. While I have managed to stay true to enjoying the journey most days (as I mentioned earlier), and I have felt peaceful the majority of the time, I do hope your last three months have been at least a tad calmer than mine! 

00:09:55

Now for some new things specific to my Your Empty Nest Coach world:

The GPS Support Flock Community membership is back! Due to the summer I had, it was assembled a few months later than I had originally planned but I’m okay with that. The GPS Support Flock Community is powered by SupaPass and it is where you’ll find all of my resources going forward. I’m incredibly excited to offer it to you. While there are free resources available to those who register, if you choose to join our flock, you’ll have access to twice monthly group support coaching calls, all past and future workshops, weekly motivational messages, worksheets, activities and support for podcast episodes and more. All of this for only $27/month! 

I’ve already uploaded some workshop topics including: My Life Isn’t What I Expected, What is Love, Why Resolutions Don’t Work & College Breaks

And one of last week’s motivational messages was titled: Where are you living? Are you ready for the surge in your life? 

I’m incredibly proud of the offerings, and I’m excited for it to grow into the community that you need. 

Should you be in a place where you don’t need the community support but you would like to support the podcast. There’s a place for you to buy me a cup of coffee - or two or three - to help make that happen! Coffee is a big energy boost for me! 

Learn about all of the offerings I just mentioned - and more - by visiting my website YourEmptyNestCoach.com and clicking on the Community link

Of course, that link will be in my show notes. Our next GPS Support Flock Community office hours or group coaching session is Wednesday, September 8th at 7:30 PM EST - I’d love to see you there!

As for this podcast, I’ll be releasing episodes monthly September through June. With more time between episodes, I’ll be focused on serving the GPS Support Flock Community in a way that dives deeper into the podcast episode content and more. 

00:11:53

computer game level up music (short)] 

My Lessons Learned 

I have a 2007 Honda Odyssey. I do love my van, our family has moved quite often - for a variety of reasons and my daughter has even said to me that she feels more home in the van than our actual houses/apartments because it has been more constant in her life than any of our homes. It has been so good to our family. 

Over the years, though, the headlights on my car had become super cloudy.

Honestly, I’m not sure how any light was coming through them at all- and I couldn’t get them clean via a carwash or some of my own muscle and cleaning supplies. I decided to have them restored. Honestly, I think it was the best $100 I have spent in a long time. It was wild to see the change!  My car looks ten years younger - I guess I gave it a facelift - [giggle] - and when I drive at night, it’s amazing to be able to really see things. 

Now, the cloudiness of the headlights didn’t happen overnight. I would have noticed that. It took time, it took weather, hours, days, months of driving for the headlights to begin to cloud over and eventually block light from escaping. 

As mothers, we sometimes spend so much time thinking of our partners, our children, and others that our own light slowly begins to cloud over - the light being what I like to call our own internal GPS: who we are outside of our roles, outside of what we do for a living - or don’t do, outside of our actions we have taken that we identify with - actions that embarrass us and other actions that we are proud of. 

00:13:28

When our light covers over - even when it happens unintentionally due to life - it makes it almost impossible for us to see where to head in life - what direction to go. It also, whether we know it or not, becomes impossible for others to see who we are and that’s because we cover ourselves up so much that we barely know who we are. This is how things get fuzzy in life and  - we become identified with that clouded over version of ourselves - that light - and we begin to fiercely protect it because even though it is harder to see where we should be headed - we’ve adjusted to it and we’ve gotten used to it. 

Then, one day, we might decide to do some cleaning, some work on ourselves. We might even begin being kind to ourselves - in the thoughts we think about ourselves, in the actions that we take to better ourselves and we begin to shine brighter. I imagine this as a dimmer switch where we slowly head toward illumination mode - I talk about this in prior episodes. This all takes tremendous work: to do the thought-clearing, to become your own biggest fan and to trust your internal GPS - after all, that light has been hiding for so long. 

The wild part is that when things begin to clear - when restoration occurs - there are suddenly beams of light shining in our life that weren’t there earlier. And while these beams of light do help us to see better, they also have the potential to be more than your eyes can handle right away. It may even feel like you might have been better with the cloudy cover. 

00:15:00

Time is needed to adjust to the growth, and discomfort as your light begins to shine again. Remember that your bright light - finding your true self - also could shine brightly for others who just aren’t ready for it yet. They might need to put some sunglasses on. And I’m not saying you need to hide your light - no, not at all - I would never tell you that, but I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t warn you that some in your life may need time to soak it all in. They may love your light but the initial shock of it might make them flinch. As you begin to grow - to show your light - to become the Conscious Effective Olympian of Your Life, trust that the true you - your internal GPS is what the world needs. 

What you may notice is some are drawn to your light and others may find it startling because suddenly, you’re not fitting into the narrative that they’ve created about you, but ultimately (and this is really important) shining your light is what is going to illuminate your journey for your life ahead. Your journey. So I ask you, how cloudy is the cover on your internal GPS?  

[00:16:12]

[computer game level up music (short)] 

Ask Coach Christine

My emerging adult is at College and is homesick. What should I do? 

Great question and I have a special shout out to my TikTok friend Mariadoor who suggested this topic for hotline video content - she also was kind enough to support the podcast through my new community. I just mentioned by buying me a cup of coffee - well, she did that! Thank you so much Mariadoor. I appreciate you - and so do my listeners!

Back to homesickness - I’ll call it missing home - as it isn’t really a sickness - it’s normal. While not ALL emerging adults experience it, for those who do, it could happen right away or it may kick in after a couple months of living on their own. It could be something like a meal, a holiday or a situation that brings on the emotions of missing home. 

What can you do?

As much as possible, be available when they need to chat, and do your best to listen as you hold space for them. Hold yourself back from solving it for them. 

Listen. 

I’ve mentioned this before but I like to imagine that we transition into a bit more of a coach role than a parent role as our emerging adults “emerge.” It reminds us as parents that we aren’t here to solve everything anymore but to be a resource and guide. I know (trust me) that it can be easier said than done, after all, it is really easy to jump into problem solving mode because while they may be 18, 28 or even older, they are always our baby. 

 

Is it a good idea to run to campus and bring them home for the weekend? While it is always an option you can choose, I would hesitate to do that in the first month or so - unless there is an emergency - as doing that removes the opportunity for them to process through their emotions It also removes them from other students who are experiencing the same thing - which can be quite bonding to be stuck on campus together. 

It’s a great time to create a care package.

Always take deep breaths - for your own sake. Process through your emotions of their homesickness. What are you making it mean? Use all of the tools I talk about on this podcast - they’ll help. Your emerging adult’s emotions of them missing home may last a few hours or a few days - just like us processing through our empty nesting emotions - there is no set timeline.

Oh, and I did create the hotline video for this. If you want to see it, link will be in my show notes. 

 

00:18:41

[quirky music under segment]

Christine? Christine? Christine, where are you? 

The best place to find me is in the GPS Support Flock Community, of course. 

And believe it or not, I’m gearing up to speak at an in-person conference in October! She Podcasts Live ‘21 - I’ll be speaking about TikTok - what I like about it, how podcasters can use it even when they don’t have a huge audience, and more! My flight is booked, hotel is reserved, my dear podcasting friends will be meeting me there, and my daughter will be joining me! She does have her own plans for some of our time but what better place to spend time with your daughter than a place that has the goal to help women to share their voices with the world? It’s incredibly exciting! Should you want to know more about the conference, I’ll have a link in the bio - or feel free to reach out and ask away. I’d love to see you there!

00:19:37

[computer game level up music (short)]  

 

Celebrating You and Your Wins [sound] 

My win? I’m going with my ability to stay present is increasing exponentially daily and it feels great. I’m also celebrating that the GPS Support Flock Community is finally back to flying!

As for your wins, I’m happy to share recent wins from followers on TikTok and Instagram! See my show notes to click through to view these wins and cheer everyone on. As always, please forgive any mispronunciations:

First, from instagram NextchapterEmptyNest shares, I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do, how do I want to grow, what do I want to learn. My win is that I decided this week to sign up for a podcast course to learn more and grow my podcast. I’m so excited - first that I made a decision and now that have goals to meet.

LaurenJeanKinghorn, “Just launched my new podcast & YT channel, Fempreneurs Unite, with and interview and an awesome giveaway.”

On Tiktok, Olivia shares “moving away from home for college tomorrow. Excited and nervous about it.”

The.Elise.Diaries, “I listened to my body’s needs and ate intuitively! And I practiced my guitar and sang and I sound really good! It’s a win that I’m positive about me.

?? (double question mark) shares, “I went to college and had a panic attack but I got through by myself.

Gay Frog, shares with us “I managed to find my way home after I got on the wrong bus. I know it’s not big but I was scared and it was pouring down rain.”

Side note: No win is too small. They all count. They all build up to bigger things. And I’ll be honest, this doesn’t feel super small to me. You should be really proud of yourself. 

Finally, Sunny day shares, “Going to look at a new school for autistic because I’m autistic.”

00:21:21

[cheering sounds]

Thank you all for sharing your wins. Now my listener, I want you to take a couple of moments here and think of a recent win of yours: small - or big, that you can celebrate.Got it? Okay now, pump your hands in the air, do a little wiggle of joy and a small cheer. You should be really proud of yourself.

As a reminder, you can always share your win with us! You may send it to me in my DMs on social media, use my google voice number, yes, that’s in my show notes, or pop in the comments of my win videos posted on TikTok or Instagram: just be sure to add the microphone emoji.

00:22:05

[computer game level up music (short)] 

What’s in your life’s toolbox? 

As a reminder, these are things that bring you joy, or allow you to reset yourself in life in one way or another. Some are escapes that allow you the grace to have time until you’re able to process deeper or to allow your mind a bit of time to recalculate to what’s next; other things are tools and resources that allow you to do the deeper work - like working on your presence, finding a community (check out the GPS support Flock if you need one), listening to this podcast, or doing private coaching with me - or someone else. As always, I’d love for you to share what you use in your life’s toolbox for either moment in life - use that Google voice number to share, or DM me!

What’s in my toolbox? 

Well, with the emotional ups and downs that I’ve had over the last few months, I have found myself enjoying a bit of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Not daily or anything like that but enough to think - you know what? I don’t usually eat ice cream and sometimes, I just want some ice cream and a sad movie. Yes! I did the ice cream and watch the movie Beaches thing. It was exactly what I needed in that moment. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I consciously chose to do it and decided that this is a great top of the toolbox item for me - used in moderation.  Choosing to put it in my life’s toolbox has been kind of fun. It’s a really great tool to consciously use until I have time to really be able to dive deeper into my thoughts and everything. What kind of things do you use on emotional days? 

00:23:41

Let’s find the funny!

[giggles from others] 

Do you know about the show TaskMaster? I’m fairly certain I’ve mentioned it before on this podcast - and the New Zealand series is now available on YouTube. Holy Cow, the season two cast is a riot - and has provided me with many laughs recently. Laughter really is good for our souls.

00:24:03

[computer game level up music (short)] 

What I Wish My  Parents Knew

Showing up unexpectedly at college to check in on your kiddo and demand to be let into the dorm isn’t  - uh - how shall we say -  always appreciated. And, no, you don’t automatically have access to their school records if they haven’t given you permission. Please don’t go around your student and make a scene. It isn’t fun for anyone - especially your college student. 

00:24:31

Two Questions for You

Question 1:  Is anyone in your life missing home?

and Question 2:  How bright are you shining your light into the world? 

As always, I provide content to make you think, my empty nest friend.

My HOPE is that I’m able to provide you with thoughts that positively impact your life.

If you enjoy this episode please don’t forget to share it with others, it’s the best way to allow it to reach a wider audience. And of course, follow the show in your favorite podcast player!

I’ll be back with a new episode in October where I’ll share some lessons I’ve learned through my marriage separation, I’ll talk about the narratives we have for our lives, remind you about sunk costs and more.

My beautiful friend, life is no joke and you are managing it. While our life has moments that are amazing and beautiful, it also has heart wrenching and fear-inducing moments. This totality of life is what helps us to grow. Be sure that you are living in the moment you are currently in - rather than living in the past or the future. Because missed moments are sometimes missed growth opportunities. 

You’ve got this. Enjoy the journey and never forget that you are amazing. Chat next time!

[end music]

[00:25:53]

[bloopers]

00:26:02

Are you still listening? 

Take a deep breath in my friend. Let the air out and as the air exits your lungs, let go of negative energy, let go of negative thoughts about yourself and as you breathe in again fill your body with positive energy and only loving thoughts about yourself. 

[end music]

[end]

119: Let’s Talk About Divorce in the Empty Nest: Does the Empty Nest Cause Divorce?

119: Let's Talk About Divorce in the Empty Nest: Does the Empty Nest Cause Divorce?

Hello, my ah-mazing empty nest friend,

This topic seems to be either a big part of your life or is a taboo topic in what I've witnessed. I haven't run into many humans in my age range that comfortably discuss divorce - except for a fab podcaster I mention in this episode. Even when a divorce doesn't personally impact someone, the discomfort is almost always visible when divorce is mentioned in a conversation. 

Somehow, this is surprising in 2020, despite the level of surprises in 2020.

Divorce is a word. We choose how much power we allow the WORD to have in our life. If you are in the process of a divorce, outside of the financial and legal implications (I can't speak to those), you do have the opportunity to move forward in a way that will serve you well - or not. 

Coach Christine,

Your Empty Nest Coach

"Life is a beautiful mess. Make it YOUR beautiful mess and create a masterpiece going forward. You get to decide who you’ll be. Don’t think for a moment that you are defined by divorce. You are more than divorce. You are amazing you, who happened to have experienced a divorce."

Take a listen or read the full transcript at the bottom of this post.

⇓⇓⇓ More goodies below, too! Scroll down ⇓, so you don't miss anything! ⇓⇓⇓

🎙The podcast episode in which I talk about the "d" word - divorce 💚 #GrayDivorce #GreyDivorce #EmptyNestDivorce #EmptyNest  #Podcast #EmptyNestMom #EmptyNestSyndrome 

Click to Tweet

This Episode is Brought To You By

What You Will Learn in this Episode 

  • To Consider Love in a Divorce
  • To Remember to Choose Thoughts that Provide You with A Positive Energy in Your Life
  • Acceptance Allows You To Move Forward

Episode Questions for You To Consider

  1. Have you ever considered divorce?
  2. What do you make divorce mean for yourself or others?

💚 Send audio feedback to Coach Christine now: voicemail/text to 920-LIFEWIN (920-543-3946).

First Time Here? Try This Order of Episodes

Episode Resources

Subscribe To This Podcast

It is FREE!

Want to get notified of new episodes directly on your phone? Subscribe to this podcast using your favorite app!

FULL TRANSCRIPT: 

Episode 119 of the Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast

00:00:00

Christine:  Hi, it’s Coach Christine.  This is my podcast, it’s the Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast and this is episode number 119.  If you are new here, know that I tend to use terms I’ve introduced in prior episodes.  Should you feel a bit lost, use my show notes for best places to begin.  In this episode, Let's Talk About Divorce in the Empty Nest: Does the Empty Nest Cause Divorce?

00:00:28

I work with mothers of high school students and beyond, who are in the trenches with sad and possibly, overwhelming thoughts about what their life will look like when their baby heads to college and begins to leave the nest.  My clients’ big question is what will I do with my time?  Is this you?  I’ve been there, and I get it.  Empowering you to write the next jaw-dropping, amazing chapter in your life is my passion.  I am energized by leading you in the process of exploration and am thrilled when you unlock the power that lies within you.  This podcast is my gift to you.

00:01:01

Hello, my future empty nest friend and Conscious Effective Olympian, or CEO, of your life!  Are you feeling like the superhero of your life yet?  I sure hope so.  No one should feel like anything other than the leading character of your own life, and why not be a superhero?  Show notes for this episode have links to anything I discuss that is linkable, and of course, you’ll find all sorts of fun stuff, and ways to work with me on my website: YourEmptyNestCoach.com.  If you enjoy this episode, I invite you to subscribe to this podcast, and to consider joining the GPS Support Flock.  What is that?  I’m so glad you asked; take a listen.

00:01:44

Thanks!  Thank you!  It’s time to thank our sponsor.  This episode is sponsored by my membership community, The GPS Support Flock; Your Flight to Success in the Empty Nest.  If you are ready to find the GPS of your life, sign up to receive an immediate and free download of my PDF, "How to Find Yourself in the Empty Nest," our GPS Life Principles document.  You will also have the opportunity to learn about our community.  See the link in this episode's show notes or fly on over to my website, YourEmptyNestCoach.com.  Click the GPS Support Flock button.  See you soon!   

00:02:29

I had an earlier episode about does the empty nest cause anxiety and the concept is similar to this.  The empty nest gifts us with new opportunities to look at parts of our life that we may have easily been ignoring, or too busy to notice.  I can’t imagine it’s often the actual event of entering the empty nest is what causes a divorce.  What happens is the empty nest shines a light on things that are already there, uncovers them in a way.  A divorce that happens after a long-term marriage, 20 or more years, has garnered the name gray divorce.  You know me, I like to do an internet search to find what comes up and you know what I found? 

00:03:17 

Financial Planners and Divorce Attorneys have claimed many of the top spots, so when you search things online be sure to check who has authored the articles.  The other topic that, interestingly enough, earned more than five spots of the search results were articles about Jennifer Grey divorcing Clark Gregg after 19 years of marriage.  Now my guess is Jennifer’s last name of Grey plays into that, with it also being a gray marriage.  But still is this what people find first when they begin to look for help in this area?  Wow.

00:03:44

I spent a solid 20 minutes laughing over the images I found on one site.  Their idea of what 50 years and older looks like was clearly more like 85 or 90 years old.  I mean, I’m 49.  Is this what you think 50- or 60-, or even 70-year old looks like?  Please, rethink this.  Maybe it needs to have a different name.  I’m sure there are people who have been married 20 years, getting a divorce, that are younger than 50.  What about mature divorce?  What do you think?  Well, I’m kind of straying here.  Let’s get back to our topic.

00:04:17

I did find a paper at Bowling Green State University.  In it, it states, “... the divorce rate for couples aged 50 and older has doubled since 1990, and it has more than doubled for married individuals aged 65 and older.  An older college graduate, even one in a first marriage, faces essentially the same risk of divorce as the older high school graduate.  And, Brown and Lin, authors, point out, more than 55 percent of gray divorces involve couples who were married for more than 20 years.”  I share this with you not to freak you out, if you are married, but let’s be real, it’s something that happens to marriages, and if it may happen to you, if it is happening to you, I want you to know that you aren’t alone.

00:05:03

If you get to the empty nest and begin to consider divorce, whether you’re considering it, whether your partner is considering it, or you’re both considering it, if you are the CEO of your life, the Conscious Effective Olympian, you’ll be able to sort through your thought-deliveries out enough to look at your partner and know that you want to love them for who they are.   That’s your job, nothing else.  Their job is not to make you happy.  I mean, it’s painful to think about, but if you want them to be happy, and they want a divorce, you want them to do what will make them happy.  Let’s jump for a moment and imagine that you had always planned for your child to go to a local college, or to live 30 minutes from you, and one day they announce that they are moving 400 miles away for the perfect opportunity, whether it’s college or work.  Of course, there is a level of heart-brokenness because you weren’t expecting this, but when you see it makes sense for them, you get on board, even if it’s reluctantly at first.  Why?  Because you love them and you know this is the right thing for them.  

00:06:09

Okay, now, imagine your partner, who you love dearly, announces they aren’t happy.  That they want a divorce and they give you their reasons why.  I would imagine you’d be heart-broken, but their reasons are their reasons.  You can make them mean whatever you want to.  They may choose statements that blame you.  You have the option to accept those in your mind or not.  They may simply say they aren’t happy and don’t want to try anymore.  If they don’t want to try, do you want to force you both to be in this relationship?

00:06:42

Things to think about.  And since I don’t know your particular circumstances, I’ll leave it there, but be careful that you are cognizant of the thought-deliveries that you allow in your mind going forward.  Make sure that once you process through your emotions, that you choose thought-deliveries that put you in a positive energy moving forward in your life.  I also want to remind you that it is important, if the divorce is happening or has happened, to accept it.  When you resist what is, you never get to move forward.  When you resist it, you continue to force yourself into reliving the divorce feelings over and over and over.  I’d much rather see you accept it, spend time mourning the loss, go through the anger, figuring out how to navigate this with your children, because I don’t care how old they are, they will be impacted, and move forward.  This is your life.  What do you want your story to be as you move forward?

00:07:42

Please also gift yourself with grace and an abundance of patience, because if you are in the midst of an empty nest transition and a divorce, you have two losses at once.  It is a lot.  Know you are strong enough to handle it, but you have to gift yourself with grace and time to process it all.  You have options, you always do.  You can blame your ex.  How does that make you feel?  You are the person you get to be moving forward, so get to know yourself.  Let’s figure out who you are in the future and look to them for guidance.  More than likely they’ll put the way you are feeling in this moment in perspective, and remind you that you are worth being with someone who wants to be married to you, or remind you that if you are the one who made the decision, that you get to live the life you want. 

00:08:37

The better you get to know yourself now through this journey, the better your years ahead will be.  Honor your true self.  Find out who you are outside of the marriage.  This is all information I would share with anyone, whether it’s divorce, or whether it’s loss of a child or a parent, there are no guarantees in life.  There’s no guarantee I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning.  There’s no guarantee that my house is still going to be standing 10 years from now.  There’s no guarantee that my husband and I will both have our jobs in two weeks.  There’s no guarantee that we’re going to be married till our dying days, or one of our dying days.  There’s no guarantee that we won’t be homeless in our future.  There’s no guarantee that we will stay healthy for the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years.

00:09:25

My beautiful friend, there are things we cannot control and when you get to a point where you are able to accept the lousy things, painful things, as well as the amazing things, this is where you start to become the Conscious Effective Olympian, the CEO of your life.  Life is a beautiful mess. Make it your beautiful mess and create a masterpiece going forward.  You get to decide who you’ll be.  Don’t think for a moment that you are defined by divorce.  You are more than being divorced.  You are amazing you, you happened to have experienced a divorce.  Sure, people may treat you differently.  That’s about them, not you. And you’ll figure out who your real circle is.  It could be devastating or a beautiful gift.  The thought about it is up to you. 

00:10:20

In the end, this is all CEO of your life stuff.  It will allow you to have power in your life moving forward.  I want you to be the CEO of your life.  As I said before, be the superhero of your own life.  Write your own story that is freaking amazing, divorce or no divorce, you’ve got this my friend.  All this being said, I hope it helps.  But to be transparent, I am not divorced, as I discussed, you know, there’s no guarantees.  But I want to share with you a resource, the Doing Divorce Right podcast with Jennifer Hurvits.  If you have the “D” word in your vocabulary, definitely check it out.  You can download her episodes wherever you listen to podcasts.  You can find her on instagram @doingdivorceright.  She always makes me laugh there.  Yes, I follow her and I’m married.  Gasp!  Jennifer also has a Facebook group, offers a free 30-minute coaching consultant call and so much more.  Head to her website for all the details, and of course, you’ll find links in my shownotes.  I would love for you to check out her resources, and definitely, let her know I sent you.  I’m always here to help you no matter the situation, empty nester or not, divorce or not.  I truly believe that diversity in experiences and perspectives makes us stronger.  So please don’t ever think for a moment that because I’m not divorced, you wouldn’t be welcome in my online spaces, or because I have one child and you have five, that we’ll never understand each other.  Maybe not right away, but we’ll make each other stronger, I guarantee it.

00:11:56

I also want to leave you with this.  I feel like someone needs to hear this.  If you’re in a place where you weren’t the one who wanted the divorce, I want you to know that there are married women who wish they were.  They want the freedom. They’ve told me.  So, divorced or married, the grass is always greener on the other side.  Your thoughts about the grass that you have has more to do with your life than the actual grass.  Take your power back by accepting and moving forward.  Let's show this world what you are made of.  Divorce is a word, let’s not give it a power to control your life.  It doesn’t need to mean failure, it can mean a new beginning.  You get to choose.

00:12:38

I couldn’t possibly address legal, financial and other impacts of your life in a divorce in this episode, so I think starting with Jennifer’s podcast will be a great start and branch out from there.  If you find other resources that are worth sharing with others, please let me know.  Divorced or not, you are always welcome in the GPS Support FLock. 

00:12:59

The questions I have for you in this episode are, one, have you ever considered divorce?  You don’t have to answer that outloud.  But seriously, and if you’re afraid to even think about it, explore why.  Number two, what do you make divorce mean for yourself and others?  As always, I provide content to make you think, my empty nest friend.  My hope is that I am able to provide you with thoughts that positively impact your life.  My next episode’s title is: How to Avoid Empty Nest Syndrome.  If you enjoyed this podcast don’t forget to share it with others, it is the best way to allow it to reach a wider audience, and subscribe, too, it’s free.  Thanks!  And, divorce or not, my empty nest friend, you are amazing!

[Bloopers]

00:14:24

Still listening?  Not thinking about divorce at all but want to see where your partner lands?  Do some research on divorce on the internet.  I had about ten tabs up, and then explained to my husband the why.  I think having the courage to share that you’re visiting the sites, and seeing what comes out of it is always worth experiencing.  Think about it.  Considering divorce is powerful.  Knowing you both choose not to get a divorce, feels a lot better than always wondering if maybe you are.  And what are the reasons why you choose not to?  Are those reasons you can live with moving forward?  Accepting what is, rather than hiding from it, will always make you stronger, even if you need to work through painful emotions to get there.  Have courage. 

[Music]

[End]