Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, Episode 34: Your Home on College Breaks: Prepping Your Child’s Room

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Christine:  You are listening to the Your Empty Nest Coach podcast, with Coach Christine, episode number 34: Your Home on College Breaks: Prepping Your Child’s Room.  This podcast is for you, a mother who years ago walked away from a career to raise your child.  Sure, you’ve been busy volunteering, car pools, maybe part-time work and taking care of everyone.  But your main gig, that has been your child. Now, that they are in their later years of high school, the empty nest looms ahead for you and it is freaking you out.  I’ve been there and I get it. Together, we’ll turn our freaking out energy into freaking awesome energy.

Hello, my future empty nest friend.  Before I get started I have a request.  My team and I are planning on taking some time off over the holiday season, and rather than going completely silent for that time, we thought we would share listener favorite episodes or snippets.  That means that we are looking for your submissions for one of two things, something you learned from the podcast that has helped you, or your favorite episode. For both of these, explain what they mean to you, and tell us what episode number it is from.  You may email your recorded submission with your phone audio recorder, or type it out. Send your submissions to podcast@youremptynestcoach.com.  We look forward to hearing from you, and thanks for your assistance.

00:01:26
And, as always, a quick reminder that all of my episodes are brought to you by my free seven-day program, the “Empty Nest:  A Guide to Uncovering My Future.”  And, to be clear, we are talking about your future, not mine.  Hop on over to my website, youremptynestcoach.com, and sign up today.  Look for the link that says “Uncover Your Future.”

00:01:48
Today’s episode is one that feels like a good follow up to our last episode, with April Force Pardoe.  If you missed that, she joined me to chat about preparing your home for the empty nest. Originally, I was going to make this two episodes, but decided to combine it into one.  Today, we talk about your child’s space in your home, and boundaries on that space.  If your child is heading off to college and they’ve had their own space in the house, before they head off to college is a good time to discuss their space in your home moving forward.

00:02:20
In this episode, I have in mind a family where the child has had their own room that has accumulated items over the last 17 or 18 years.  Maybe items of theirs are scattered throughout the house, too. Now, your child is heading off to live on campus for multiple years. Yes, they’ll be home on breaks, but it will be different.  They may or may not want to come back to room filled with their stuff animals and collectible “Star Wars” figures. Note, I did say may or may not.  

00:02:47
Let’s assume also for this example, this child is heading off to a four-year college, that they will be living on campus, and will be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring break maybe, and summer for at least two years.  Two years? What, Christine? Yes. I know. Look, four years of college means three summers in between. It is quite possible that between their junior and senior year, they may receive an amazing summer internship that doesn’t bring them home for summer in the way that you had imagined.  Not to scare you here, but I’m a firm believer in knowing the truth helps process things early. If you plan for that possibility out of the gate, when your child receives said wonderful internship, they won’t have to worry about telling mom and dad, and how they will react, because you have already discussed the possibility.

00:03:40
This transition isn’t easy.  Is it? We think we have four years to adjust to all of this, and you might.  But with short breaks and them building their life, it becomes evident quickly if your child will be the one out and about that third summer.  Great! Now that I’ve sufficiently freaked you out, and I say that jokingly, because as a regular listener of my podcast, you know that this is where you stop and check your thoughts about what I just said.  Do you like your thoughts? If not, maybe pause this episode, and do some work there. See episode number 3, and then come back to this.  I certainly don’t want to lose you as a listener, but it’s more important to me that you are in the right head space for this project.  Are you still with me? Great!

00:04:25
The great news is that you don’t need to spend much money to make simple changes and figure out a few things now.  Think about this. If you went through the equivalent of two to three boxes worth of your child’s belongings, over only two years, you will already have a pretty good idea of any remaining items that need to be gone through, if anything at all.  It could just be a matter of moving the boxes in a car, and you are done, and they will have helped you with it. Can you imagine?  Your child gets their first apartment, you have everything ready, and can purely focus on your own emotional health, theirs, and helping however that is possible for you.  Doesn’t that sound nice? Because the opposite could be, your child’s moving, they can’t make it home before they get to their apartment, so you get to go through their belongings that have been left at home.  Or, you never do, and they sit in your house year after year, after year.  When you move, guess who is dealing with it?  You probably won’t have either extreme, but on a sliding scale, what end would you like to be closer to?  It’s something worth thinking about right now. While this might not be super easy for either of you to think about, it can be a bonding memorable experience.

00:05:41
Here are my suggestions:  one, talk about what they might want their room to look like when they’re home next summer.  Two, pack up some boxes ahead of time. For our first item, talk about what they might want their room to look like when they return for the summer.  So, take some time, maybe in a coffee shop, or somewhere outside of the home, to tell your almost-adult that you would like to make the transition over the next four years as easy as possible for all of you.  Is there something they currently love, that must stay? Is there something that they secretly hated all these years, and could do without? Are there items that they like, but they would rather have them organized in some fashion to move on in their life?  Is there something they would love to have in their room?  

00:06:28
For this first part, you need to be willing to hear tough things.  If your child can’t stand something that you gave them when they were eight years old, and they know that you love that item, or picture, so they would never think to remove it.  You need to realize that your thoughts about that item don’t need to be your child’s thoughts about that item. What would be interesting is to ask them why they don’t like it. Their story about it is a bonding experience, and it’s one that might have you laughing your head off.  You never know. Heck, you now have a new story about that item, and you can figure out what you would like to do with it together. Maybe them knowing why you like it so much, and vice versa, might give them a new appreciation of it. If they say I don’t want it, maybe you will want to keep the item.  But if you don’t, it’s okay. Your child’s love for you is not in an item in their room. They are figuring out who they are in the future, just like we are doing in our new phase of life. Who we are in this moment, doesn’t mean, hopefully, that we’ll be the same person five years from now.  

00:07:29
As the minimalists recommend, you can always take a picture of the item to keep the memory, and then, let it go.  I would talk about the room a few different times with your child. See if there are consistencies that come up, and then, when you are packing for college, you have another opportunity to go through everything.  Maybe they would love to paint the room a different color, or go thrift shopping for a new shelving unit, or hang pictures of their college friends, who they have yet to meet. See what they are thinking, and then you can plan out some activities to do when they arrive back home over their breaks to help things get settled, and it’s a fun bonding experience.  

00:08:08
Which brings us to the second part.  Pack up some boxes ahead of time. These are not the going-to-college boxes.  These are the I-want-for-my-future-me boxes. I recommend that you not allow your child to leave the room in disarray.  Remind them that they have to come back to the room. Create boxes or areas of the room to place different items, such as one section for let it go items, these are outgrown items, things your child doesn’t want or doesn’t need anymore.  The second area, pack away items. These are items to save for your child’s future self. Use the college packing time as a time to pack up those future-me boxes for your child, and be sure to label them well. Better yet, for anything that is memorabilia, it might be worth it, if it is in your budget to pick up some plastic bins.  Well-labeled plastic bins are helpful, as your child might want to peek in from time to time. This way, they don’t have to destroy a box to do so.  

00:09:09
If you try any or all of this, please let me know what works, what doesn’t work for you, and if you have recommendations for other listeners.  Before I go, let’s talk quickly about boundaries about your space.  Have the discussion with your child about how their room will be used while they are gone, if it will be used at all.  If they have items all over the house, make it clear to them, if this is the case, that if they leave it out and a sibling uses it, it is fair game.  Whatever the rules are, try to use some future thinking here and play out some scenarios, and decide what you want to set ahead of time. It is also a great time to set boundaries on when they return.  How you expect them to behave. Will you be fine with them coming in and reverting to 16-year-old version of them, where you fed them, did their laundry, or will you have different expectations of them?  There is no right answer here, and you might not know until the first week they return home. Maybe really the biggest and most important thing here, is to have a discussion about how things will be different.  That you aren’t sure how exactly, but that you all need to be open to the change, and work through it when it comes. That you know you’ll have different expectations of them when they return home. Maybe it’s laundry, maybe it is curfew.  Whatever it is for your family, and that they need to be prepared for that. It is another place for everyone to sit in the simmer and figure out what works for them.  

00:10:35
Guess what?  I have an entire episode on sitting in the simmer, too.  Check out episode number 29.  That’s what I have for you today, my empty nest friend.  Please don’t hesitate to fly on over to our Facebook group.  Our name is Green Popsicle Sticks.  Want to know why?  Listen to episode number 17, or head to my website, youremptynestcoach.com/community for links to join our flock.  Why should you join our group?  The adjustment to not having your kiddos at home full-time isn’t always easy, but it sure can be a ton more fun with a flock of friends.  We look forward to seeing you there.

If you are ready to begin the journey to find future you, and use her as your GPS, definitely sign up for my free program, “The Empty Nest:  A Guide to Uncovering My Future.”  Episode 13 covers the high-level concepts of that program, if you would like to check it out.  To dive deep into the concepts, take my free program, as I provide videos and worksheets to assist you on your journey.

The questions I have for you in this episode are:  if your child is heading off to college, or in college, what is the condition of their space in your home?  And, number two, do you have long term plans for that space that your child may not be aware of?   As always, I provide content to make you think, my empty nest friend.  My hope is that I am able to provide you with thoughts that positively impact your life.  You’ll find the show notes for this and every episode on my website. My next episode’s title is “Leveling Up.”

Don’t forget to subscribe to this podcast.  It is free and you’ll be notified when I post a new episode, every Friday.  If my show has helped you in any way, please share it with one other person you think it will help, too.  You’ll be giving them a free gift. Thanks for your time and energy with that, and thanks so much for listening, my empty nest friend.  Remember, you are amazing!