Christine: You are listening to the Your Empty Nest Coach podcast, with Coach Christine, episode number 43: Are You Living Your Life as a Victim? … There is a little bit of tough love in this episode.
Christine: You are listening to the Your Empty Nest Coach podcast, with Coach Christine, episode number 43: Are You Living Your Life as a Victim? This podcast is for you, a mother who years ago walked away from a career to raise your child. Sure, you’ve been busy volunteering, car pools, maybe part-time work and taking care of everyone. But your main gig, that has been your child. Now, that they are in their later years of high school, the empty nest looms ahead for you and it is freaking you out. I’ve been there and I get it. Together, we’ll turn our freaking out energy into freaking awesome energy.
Hello, my future empty nest friend. There is a little bit of tough love in this episode. I shared in my Green Popsicle Sticks Facebook group that I almost changed today’s topic because I thought it could be a bit too much tough love, but then, I changed my thought to someone needs to hear this right now, from me, and got back to work. One of our GPS members said on my post, “This is tough love, but it is so worth the work, and we are worth it.” She is right. It is tough work. I say this all the time and I’m not sure everyone I talk to believes me. At first glance it seems easy, really easy. I mean, change your thought, and then your feeling changes. Sounds pretty straight forward, doesn’t it? It’s not. It takes a lot of leveling up to get good at this.
Before I get too far in today’s topic, a quick reminder that all of my episodes are brought to you by my free seven-day program, “The Empty Nest: A Guide to Uncovering My Future.” To be clear, we are talking about your future, not mine. Hop on over to my website, youremptynestcoach.com and sign up today. Look for the link that says “Uncover Your Future.”
My friend, are you living your life as the victim? Does nothing go your way? Do you have plans for your day that are continually thrown off course by things outside of your control, that you allow to impact your thoughts and feelings? Do you feel others are out to get you? Take a deep breath, my friend, and you might want to take another breath. None of us go through life without being thrown off course, without things that we never would have expected to happen, happen, without experiencing hardship, experiencing trauma, experiencing loss.
The question becomes, who are you when those moments happen? Are you a human who is sad, upset or angry due to the thoughts you have chosen to have about what happened? It is possible that feeling makes sense and you are processing through it. Or are you sad, upset or angry because just like everything else in your life, things went this way? Can you tell the difference? You may need to go back and listen to that again.
In the first version, the human notices the emotion and processes through it. Another human might have noticed the emotion, and recognized that it is incongruent with what just happened to her, so she just lets that thought, caused by the emotion, go on by her. In my box delivery analogy for your thoughts, she notices the thought delivery, but steps aside and lets it move straight out the back door. Don’t get me wrong, really awful things happen in life, and feeling sad or angry are just a couple of the emotions that may be worth processing through at times.
When we continually play the victim in the story of our life, when we choose that identity, even, and usually, unconsciously, something outside of you isn’t causing that. Another human isn’t causing that. You are creating that narrative. I know, I know. I told you this is tough love. I share it with you because I care about you, and I want to see you level up in your life in a way that you may not know is available to you. It is there, you just need to use it and it all starts by noticing your thoughts, by noticing the story that you tell yourself and others.
A quick side note, when I say victim in this episode, I’m not speaking of the legal term victim, meant for crimes where you would, hopefully, go to court to resolve things as you should. Even with that, the resolution may or may not go the way you expect and again, what is the story you want to tell about it? That story, you have full control over. Some of us in this world wake up every day and allow thought deliveries to arrive that begin our day with the idea that the world is against us, that everyone is out to get us, no matter what we do. We won’t be treated well. Who is allowing those thought deliveries? Who, in that moment, when you wake up, is making you the victim? My friend, it’s you. One hundred percent, you. You may be allowing thought deliveries for events that have happened way in your past, too. What do you do? Be curious as to why you are being so unkind to yourself. Why are you allowing these thoughts to create your feelings? Why are you allowing yourself to relive something over and over in such an unkind way?
You could just as easily notice the thoughts and allow them to pass by, giving them no credit at all. Like I said earlier, let them head on out the back door. If you continue to think of yourself as a victim, then you are allowing that thought delivery in your life over and over again. You are being a bully to yourself. Right? As humans, we are wired to do this, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Think about it. There are people who go through the same exact circumstances, who tell their story a totally different way.
Actually, I encourage you to listen to Michele’s story in episode number 38, if you haven’t already, for a great example of this. When you declare yourself a victim, understand that you are choosing, in that moment, in the present, to give control of your feelings to experience that might have happened in the past, or might happen in the future. Are you happy with the choice of playing the victim? Sometimes, you are the victim of a person who no longer thinks about you, or is no longer on this earth. Now, don’t beat yourself up for having thoughts such as these. Simply take a look at them, and be willing to be curious about them. When you are on autopilot, and aren’t conscious of the thoughts, you allow your mind to go wherever it wants to go. By choosing to not notice your thought deliveries, you, in a way, choose to be controlled by wherever your thoughts lead you, and if it is to a victim mode, you are giving full responsibility of your feelings to that story.
If your child doesn’t do what you ask them to do, and you allow that to frustrate you, you are allowing your child’s actions to control your emotions. Another mother might not have been frustrated by the same thing. Christine, are you telling me I should never be frustrated by my child? Wouldn’t that be lovely? No. What I am saying is to be aware that your child isn’t frustrating you. Your thoughts about their actions is what’s frustrating you, and to be conscious of that.
It all can change by becoming aware of your thoughts, and being curious as to why you go there. That is the start. This is the beginning to a lot of important work in your life. You are worth this work. I invite you to listen to episode number 3 for more on thought deliveries. Now, in an effort not to muddy the waters any more than I already have, I’m going to stop there for today. How are you doing?
My next episode’s title is Make friends with Now – What I’ve learned from Eckhart Tolle. This one may also help you notice your thought deliveries, and a side note, I may have already mentioned this in a prior episode, but have you watched Brene Brown’s netflix special yet? If you haven’t, I highly recommend it.
The questions I have for you in this episode are: do you play the victim role in the story of your life? And, are you on autopilot with your thought deliveries? I invite you to fly on over to our Facebook group to share your answers to these questions with our amazing flock. Our name is Green Popsicle Sticks. Want to know why? Listen to episode number 17, or head to my website, youremptynestcoach.com/community for links to join our flock. I know the adjustment to not having your kiddos at home full-time isn’t always easy, but it sure can be a ton more fun with a flock of friends. We look forward to seeing you there.
Oh, my goodness, did you hear? I have an online program, “The Empty Nest: First Steps Towards Success.” I now offer GPS Reset Weekend retreats, Unplugged and Charged Up, and I am available for speaking engagements. Seriously, what are you waiting for? Visit my website or see this episode’s full show notes.
As always, I provide content to make you think, my empty nest friend. My hope is that I am able to provide you with thoughts that positively impact your life. You’ll find the show notes for this and every episode on my website. Don’t forget to subscribe to this podcast. It is free and you’ll be notified when I post a new episode every Friday. If my show has helped you in any way, please share it with one other person you think it will help, too. You’ll be giving them a free gift. Thanks for your time and energy with that, and thanks so much for listening, my empty nest friend. Remember, you are amazing!