Tag: prepare for the empty nest

The Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, Episode 186

30-Day Challenge to Empty Nest Success: Be Honest With Your Children (18/30)

FULL TRANSCRIPT

[level-up music]

Be honest with your child(ren) is our topic for today (Day 18) in the 30-Day Challenge to Empty Nest Success.   

[upbeat music under intro]

If this is your first time listening,  know we are diving into the challenge content. If you like what you hear, jump back to the episode titled “Getting Started with the 30-Day Challenge to Empty Nest Success” and then work your way through from the beginning - or visit EmptyNestSuccess.com to sign up for daily or weekly email delivery of this challenge that will lead you to companion videos, additional journal prompts, resources and more! 

Here we go: 

[end music]

00:43

Amazing human and beautiful soul, be honest with your children. Oh my gosh, I don't mean pull up all of your deep dark secrets from your childhood and share them with your kids. Although, if you want to go there, you might get some laughs and some memories. 

[birds chirp] Apparently we have a guest today [chirps], Yes, the birds have stopped by and they’re just going to be part of the recording today.

Back to your deep dark secrets, that was not where I was headed with this. Where I am focused is on the societal pressure to - for lack of better wording- hold all of our shit together emotionally - so that everyone around you feels as comfortable as possible.

When your children are going through a rough time and need a safe space, this isn’t the timing I suggest diving into this one, for sure.

But if they have never seen you emote in any way, if they have never seen you process through emotions, label your emotions - maybe you’ve never given yourself permission to do so - for those little heavier emotions in particular such as anger and sadness and other ones and to get to the other side of them. 

What if the next time that you begin to feel strong-er emotions (and they’re not struggling), what if you consider being honest with them on what you are experiencing? 

02:05

If we’ve been strong and successful at hiding and not processing through  our emotions, it is likely that our children may not be comfortable expressing their own either, or when they do, it may come out super strong because they’ve been bottling them up. 

If this is a new-er consideration for you, I invite you to the next time that you have a strong emotion and you catch yourself thinking,” Ooo,  I need to hold this back,” consider in that moment bringing it into the physical space through your words. Label it. Be curious about the emotions and share it verbally - what you are experiencing. 

Sometimes simply labeling that emotion releases some of its hold on you.  And, try to expand your emotional vocabulary - everything doesn’t have to be the top three: happy, sad and angry. 

02:59

Let’s walk through an example. What if your emerging adult is about to head off on a solo trip across the country to meet friends and have a great time - but you catch yourself in a twinge  - to say the least - about all the things that could go wrong. Maybe those twinges that are making you feel concerned or worried or nervous,  (maybe even envious) or you're going to miss them and what about this thing? Did you think of that? Basically you go to all the what ifs that can go wrong - and those aren’t fun. 

Let’s say you catch that emotion and consider being honest with your child. 

Maybe that looks like telling them something like, 

[upbeat music under thoughts]

“Wow, I’m really excited for this adventure for you, but I have to be honest, there are a lot of emotions coming up for me that I need to work through on my own. There are a lot of thoughts going on through my mind. I need to process through them, look at them, let go of some of them, and take a deeper look at some. I figure, I’ll be honest with you that I have these feelings. It's not, however, your place to solve this for me. These are mine to work though. If you want to talk about them, great, but it's really my work to do.  Oh, and by the way, if you catch me reacting emotionally, I’m okay with you asking me to see if that emotion is one I know I am having in the moment. Sometimes, I just automatically react and don’t think about it. But that doesn’t make it necessary.”

[end music]

04:28

Okay, so that’s an example of someone who is really wanting to do the work. Start small.  Maybe, for six months, you’re just noticing the emotions and never mentioning it to them, but one day, it might be nice to share. And not share as if [they’re] your therapist but simply say, “I’m excited for you. I’m a little sad but I’ll be okay.” That’s all you have to do. 

While it may sound like a lot, can you imagine being this vulnerable with your child? Think about the example you’re setting as well: telling them it is okay to be sad or angry. 

We've talked in prior episodes about the thought-box-deliveries that come into your mind. Which means, in our analogy, you know that the happenings causing this are outside of your fence. In this example:  your child heading out on this trip. 

What has your protector done? Well they’ve chosen to put it on high alert, shove some thought-box-deliveries into your house and put a spotlight on them. The alarms are going off, you feel the rumblings of emotions inside the box, but you're not opening them. Which means, you have energy build up within that box and you may be reacting in a not so great way because of all of the rumblings, and you’re allowing them to keep rumbling and not opening the box to check on it. Make sense? 

05:47

So what’s the option? 

You could think: “They're going on this adventure. I’m gonna hold the space for them to share about their adventure. I don’t want to be the one to get in the way. They have the funds, they know what they are doing. They are going to have a great time.”

However, I’m going to pay attention to these thoughts that come into my mind.  It might be time in our analogy and imagery - to imagine that we have a meeting with our protector and say “when we see anything come in - thoughts that come in - about this trip, that we’re automatically not going to put any of them on red alert. Our focus is to purely have happy thoughts for our child. We can take a look at these thoughts later - they’re going to be around.  

It’s really good later, then, to think about the thoughts that keep coming up time and time again. Considering where they’re coming from,  who is sending them? Are they being sent from maybe, your parents when you were a child you heard what you are hearing in your mind now. 

Take a look at those thoughts. Open them up. See what emotions come out. And think, “are these worth having?” 

06:53

Now, when you come from a loving space,  and you pay attention to your thoughts, you might actually find some of these are definitely worth vocalizing - you know things like, “Hey, have you thought about …. How about… do you have a plan if this thing happens? Can I help you in any way?” 

Here’s a good go to: “You know me, I like to dive in and plan things for everyone, but how about I back off and you let me know if there is something you can use my assistance with?”

Now back to your strong emotions: allow a conversation to come out of them, when you have them, and it works. Help your kids to see that as a human, it's okay to have emotions - even angry ones. It’s what you do with that that matters. 

So, maybe be angry - not at your kid but give it a name and figure out how to process through it. Maybe get the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, put on your sad movie and cry. Let your kids know you’ll feel better after doing that. And bonus - your sinuses are clear!

Ultimately, if you start leaning into your own emotions, and show up differently, you get to set a new example - it’s never too late. Your child - of any age - might first be thrown by the change, but your relationship that you have going forward with your child is one that now has the opportunity to become deeper, stronger, and in some ways, way more fun. 

08:21

[level-up music]

Your journal prompt for today is … Describe a time when you shared your emotions with your child. How did it go? What would you change about it, if you could do it over again? And if the answer is you’ve never shared your emotions - can you think of a time when it might have been a not-so-bad idea to have done that?

08:43

[level-up music]

As always, I provide content to make you think. My hope is that I am able to provide you with thoughts that positively impact your life. If you enjoyed this episode, I invite you to take a moment to follow this podcast - it is free after all - AND become this podcast's hero by sharing it with others! You’ll find links to additional resources, time markers and more in the show notes. 

[exit music - upbeat]

Thanks for listening today, pay attention to your emotions, and don’t you dare forget that you are amazing! 

Chat next time!

[end] 

The Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast, Episode 185

30-Day Challenge to Empty Nest Success: Who are you? (17/30)

FULL TRANSCRIPT

[level-up music]

Who are you? is our topic for today (Day 17) in the 30-Day Challenge to Empty Nest Success. 

[upbeat music under dialogue]

If this is your first time listening,  know we are diving into the challenge content. If you like what you hear, jump back to the episode titled “Getting Started with the 30-Day Challenge to Empty Nest Success” and then work your way through from the beginning - or visit EmptyNestSuccess.com to sign up for daily or weekly email delivery of this challenge that will lead you to companion videos, additional journal prompts, resources and more! 

Here we go: 

[end music]

00:42

Amazing human and beautiful soul, if I sit and ask you right now, who are you? What's the first description that comes to mind? What do you say? 

[pause with some upbeat music]

 I’m curious. 

Did your answer include or was it all, your roles and your responsibilities?  Whether the roles are parent, your career, blue collar work, home maker work or a corporate position; mother of [insert how many children you have], a volunteer role, or something else? 

I get it. You've been doing these roles, potentially all of them, for decades. And it makes sense that you immediately identify with being a role that  you fill. Today, I challenge you, today, to consider that you are more than your roles and your responsibilities. 

You know how I like: What if? What if you were born to be here on this planet for a reason. No, I don't know your reason. You, you, and only you can determine why you're here. But you might not actually know right now and that may be because you have spent decades filling these roles and responsibilities - sometimes AMAZINGLY well - taking the steps that everyone's supposed to take in life, keeping up with the Joneses or not keeping up with the Joneses. 

There are ways in our society that we are simply supposed to do things. Aren’t there? But who made those up anyway? 

And for some of you, maybe your full identity is in doing the opposite of what you were told you are supposed to do. 

It works both ways.  

But here's what I want to share with you today: that you - you right now - you listening to this podcast episode as you are sitting in the car, doing the laundry, just getting out of bed just about to go to bed, wherever you are,  stop 

for a moment. 

[pause] 

Take in that you, you amazing human,  may be here for a reason (I believe that for you but do you believe it for you?) You, amazing human, are worthy to exist as you are right now. Fully. 

The you that was born into this world, before humans got a hold of you and told you how you’re supposed to behave, how you need to show up - that version of you is still there. That version of you might be a little hard to find but they are happy to be here. They find joy in things that you, right now, kind of now take for granted. They have dreams - some [giggle] might think are kind of wild too, and so many exciting ideas for the future. 

I invite you to consider that there’s more to you under all of your roles and responsibilities.  

Do with this what you will. 

Honestly, you can turn this episode off now no one's making you listen to it. Or, you can begin to take the steps of this C.E.O.  - life (the Conscious Effective Olympian) living - where you begin to consider that your thoughts are optional, consider that you are receiving thought-box-deliveries; that you have been receiving thought-box-deliveries over the years, and over the years, and over the years. Maybe you’ve received so many of the same packages that you have begun to believe that that is who you are. 

But there’s a whole ‘nother part of you. The part of you that you know. The part of you who has dreams who has a purpose. And yes, that purpose can change over time. And your dreams? Your dreams don't have to be what most humans could consider huge and they don’t have to be specific either. Maybe your dream is: you want to wake up happy and I gotta tell you, that's a dream that I currently strive for every single day.  

It has taken me some well curated simmering, training of my protector and inspecting of thought-box-deliveries for me to realize that the to-do list that has 500 things on it -  and I will never ever catch up on, well, that list, I didn’t really make it for myself.

Yes, physically, I may have gone through the motions of adding items to a list (whether it be paper or online), but guess where the thought-box-deliveries came from telling me that I need to put this on my list. I’ll tell you, it’s a variety of places. Many are well-meaning and in a moment may sound amazing for myself. 

I’m going to be really vulnerable with you, right now, there are days where I just want to walk in the woods, and hang out for hours on end, but then there’s the roles and responsibilities of all the things I have to do. 

Sometimes, those things on my to-do list, those really can wait - and after further inspection, some of them don’t belong there at all - AT ALL. 

But it is only with a clearer mind that I’m able to clear the list in a way that I feel good about. 

Does this resonate at all with you? 

To be clear, in who you are, if you are a parent, yes, of course you are a parent. You're an amazing parent, who made it this far without an instruction manual, too! I am not saying to remove the idea of being a parent completely from your identity. However, I encourage you to consider that that's not all of who you are. Being the partner to your partner is not all of who you are. Your job is not all of who you are. The combination of those things that apply to you, together, are not all of who you are. You, yes you, are worthy of existing on this planet without doing all the things. You really are. 

Start there and you may find life opens up in ways you never expected.

07:04

[level-up music]

Your journal prompt for today is … How has being a parent impacted your sense of identity?

[exit music - upbeat]

Thanks for listening today! I invite you to explore more of who you are and don’t you dare forget that you are amazing! 

Chat next time! 

[end]